The ?uestion

Ok, if you can't answer the question "Paper or plastic?" in under five seconds, then you should probably kill yourself. I say that not because you are stupid (although you are pretty stupid), but rather because life is full of very complex decisions, and "paper or plastic" is not one of them. By telling you to kill yourself, I have saved you the difficulty of having to answer life's truly tough questions such as "What should I make for dinner?" or "Who's the father?"

There are a number of retarded reactions I have gotten to this question while working as a bagger at Farm Fresh. For example, sometimes I will ask the question to a couple, and they will look back and forth at each other, shrugging and silently pleading that the other would solve this unanswerable query.

I personally enjoy the people who get this look on their face like I just asked them "What's the square-root of 536?" They get this far-away look in their eyes as if to say "...Shit, I know this one... What are my choices again? Paper or plastic? Fuck."

Keeping with the theme of indecisive customers, there are some who seem confident in their answer but then throw you a curveball. They'll quickly say "Plastic," and then after several seconds of unloading groceries, they will suddenly spin and yell, "I mean paper!" I then have to break the unfortunate news to them that I have placed a time lock on the plastic bag and that there is no way that the groceries can be removed. For Christ's sake, chill out, Jumpy McNervous. Knowing my work ethic, I probably haven't even started putting the groceries in the bag.

And finally, I would like to officially announce that the phrase "That's fine" is not a socially acceptable response to the question "Paper or plastic?" If one more customer responds that way, I'm going to slap them in the mouth and then point my index finger in their face and say, "No." (...Alright, so I'm not actually going to do that, but it sounds funny, so I can pretend that I might do it.)

There are also people who are way too prepared to answer the question. The other day, I asked a customer "How are you doing today?" He looked at me and said "Paper." That makes sense. After all, I've had those days where I have felt a bit paper-y. I've been in a paper-ish mood with a paper-like outlook on life. (But on a serious note, I much prefer these people. They aren't going to bull-shit you. "Fuck the chit chat: I want some paper bags, stat.")