My Cop-out
Hey Folks,
I have been too busy/lazy to write in my blog, so instead of coming up with something new, I'll simply give you a sneak peek of the next issue of The Pillory. This particular article is about abortion, and it's in the style of "The Onion" (I'm a hack). Oh, and I also just got a haircut (just in case you were looking for some personal info about me).
“Woman Seeks a Post-First-Trimester Abortion; Blames Procrastination”
A California woman appeared before the Supreme Court this week in an abortion suit that is by far the court’s most dynamic case of the decade. Experts agree that the justices’ decision is bound to re-shape the abortion debate in this country, and some are even calling this case more important than Roe v. Wade, Plessy v. Ferguson, and Alien v. Predator combined.
In a tearful press conference, Melissa Williams admitted that she was not prepared to bring a life into this world when she got “knocked up” by her boyfriend last January. “How can the government come into my life and take away my right to choose just because I didn’t get an abortion within their standard timeframe?” When asked if the reason why she didn’t get a first-trimester abortion was because she couldn’t make up her mind, Williams denied it, claiming she knew that she was going to get an abortion from the moment she discovered her pregnancy. The obvious question on everyone’s mind was ‘why the delay?’ “Ugh, you know how these things go,” Williams stated. “It’s like you get up one Saturday and you say ‘OK, I am absolutely going to clean the bathroom today. No excuses.’ And sure enough, there is a ‘Sex and the City’ marathon on TBS. Before you know it, it’s the end of the day and your bathroom is still dirty. It’s like my mother used to say: accidental pregnancies are nature’s little dirty bathrooms.”
Perhaps the most noticeable aspect of the press conference was fact that Ms. Williams did not look to be pregnant at all. She admitted later “Well, prolonged delays of the judicial system in America being what they are, I actually gave birth about four months ago. His name is Faux-Pas Aberration Williams, and he is soooo adorable! Regardless, I plan on killing him if I win this case.”
The unique aspects of Melissa Williams case has presented the Supreme Court with a number of issues on which they must deliberate: 1) Is it justifiable for both expectant and existent mothers to seek an abortion after the first trimester if they had intended to abort the fetus earlier but “never got around to it”?; 2) What is the proper way to dispose of a four-month-old, unwanted child?; and 3) How old is ‘too old’ when it comes to aborting your child?
The latter of these three questions will have distinct repercussions throughout the nation. Just ask Mary Anne Jenkins, a native of Philadelphia and a disappointed mother: “My son Gerald is a real loser. I don’t want to go into the details because it’s just depressing to even talk about him, but depending on the outcome of this case, I think I’m starting to remember that I was going to abort him in the first trimester but never got around to it [*wink*].” To these comments, the 17-year-old Gerald Jenkins replied “I’m in the room, mom, and I can hear you.”
The Supreme Court is remaining tight-lipped, not even letting the media know which way the justices are leaning. At a press conference, Chief Justice John Roberts stated, “Obviously, abortion is a very delicate issue in this nation, and landmark cases such as these bring out a lot of tension amongst the American people. Because of this, it is important that we approach this case with the utmost sincerity and dignity. I mean, there are a lot of ins and outs... and abortion is so serious... and... haha, I’m really sorry, I gotta be honest with you: I wasn’t paying attention at all during the hearings. I was trying to focus, but CT [referring to Justice Clarence Thomas] kept passing me these dead baby jokes. Have you heard these things? They are hysterical! And CT knows so many; he just kept passing them to me, rapid-fire. Haha, phew... Where were we? Oh right, it’s a delicate issue...”
I have been too busy/lazy to write in my blog, so instead of coming up with something new, I'll simply give you a sneak peek of the next issue of The Pillory. This particular article is about abortion, and it's in the style of "The Onion" (I'm a hack). Oh, and I also just got a haircut (just in case you were looking for some personal info about me).
“Woman Seeks a Post-First-Trimester Abortion; Blames Procrastination”
A California woman appeared before the Supreme Court this week in an abortion suit that is by far the court’s most dynamic case of the decade. Experts agree that the justices’ decision is bound to re-shape the abortion debate in this country, and some are even calling this case more important than Roe v. Wade, Plessy v. Ferguson, and Alien v. Predator combined.
In a tearful press conference, Melissa Williams admitted that she was not prepared to bring a life into this world when she got “knocked up” by her boyfriend last January. “How can the government come into my life and take away my right to choose just because I didn’t get an abortion within their standard timeframe?” When asked if the reason why she didn’t get a first-trimester abortion was because she couldn’t make up her mind, Williams denied it, claiming she knew that she was going to get an abortion from the moment she discovered her pregnancy. The obvious question on everyone’s mind was ‘why the delay?’ “Ugh, you know how these things go,” Williams stated. “It’s like you get up one Saturday and you say ‘OK, I am absolutely going to clean the bathroom today. No excuses.’ And sure enough, there is a ‘Sex and the City’ marathon on TBS. Before you know it, it’s the end of the day and your bathroom is still dirty. It’s like my mother used to say: accidental pregnancies are nature’s little dirty bathrooms.”
Perhaps the most noticeable aspect of the press conference was fact that Ms. Williams did not look to be pregnant at all. She admitted later “Well, prolonged delays of the judicial system in America being what they are, I actually gave birth about four months ago. His name is Faux-Pas Aberration Williams, and he is soooo adorable! Regardless, I plan on killing him if I win this case.”
The unique aspects of Melissa Williams case has presented the Supreme Court with a number of issues on which they must deliberate: 1) Is it justifiable for both expectant and existent mothers to seek an abortion after the first trimester if they had intended to abort the fetus earlier but “never got around to it”?; 2) What is the proper way to dispose of a four-month-old, unwanted child?; and 3) How old is ‘too old’ when it comes to aborting your child?
The latter of these three questions will have distinct repercussions throughout the nation. Just ask Mary Anne Jenkins, a native of Philadelphia and a disappointed mother: “My son Gerald is a real loser. I don’t want to go into the details because it’s just depressing to even talk about him, but depending on the outcome of this case, I think I’m starting to remember that I was going to abort him in the first trimester but never got around to it [*wink*].” To these comments, the 17-year-old Gerald Jenkins replied “I’m in the room, mom, and I can hear you.”
The Supreme Court is remaining tight-lipped, not even letting the media know which way the justices are leaning. At a press conference, Chief Justice John Roberts stated, “Obviously, abortion is a very delicate issue in this nation, and landmark cases such as these bring out a lot of tension amongst the American people. Because of this, it is important that we approach this case with the utmost sincerity and dignity. I mean, there are a lot of ins and outs... and abortion is so serious... and... haha, I’m really sorry, I gotta be honest with you: I wasn’t paying attention at all during the hearings. I was trying to focus, but CT [referring to Justice Clarence Thomas] kept passing me these dead baby jokes. Have you heard these things? They are hysterical! And CT knows so many; he just kept passing them to me, rapid-fire. Haha, phew... Where were we? Oh right, it’s a delicate issue...”
posted by Phil at
11:36 AM
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