My New-found Fame
The other day, I was looking at various articles that I had written and trying to decide which one I should send to Collegehumor.com. I came to the startling conclusion that none of my articles would be acceptable. Don't get me wrong, I think that my articles are hilarious, but they aren't in the style that CollegeHumor generally publishes. You see, I [attempt to] write satire, while CollegeHumor articles are often just retarded editorials (and I mean "retarded" in a strictly pejorative sense, just in case you thought I was complimenting them by calling them retarded). I know that may sound pretentious or smug, but all I need to do is point out a couple of recent article titles to prove my point: "Sexual Shorthand" (it's about using letters of the alphabet to abbreviate various sexual acts), "Bar Faces" (it's about faces one makes at a bar), "So You're Going to Die a Slut" (it's apparently about the author's ex-girlfriend), "The Anatomy of a Shitty Party" (it's about... wait, why am I explaining these articles?), etc. Despite the fact that I think that articles written in this style are pretty dumb, I don't fault Collegehumor.com because to criticize them for this would suggest that they were trying to be something that they aren't. They aren't a satire website, so why would they try to be? I think my stand-up comedy article was accepted because it worked as both an editorial and satire (also, I think the sentence "Sure, you're 'the funny guy' in your frat..." related to them and hinted that I myself was a frat guy).
Anyways, after realizing that I didn't really have anything to send them, I decided to just write an article from scratch with the premise that it would be for CollegeHumor. It only took me about two hours, and I sent it out without much retrospection. Long story short, the dude to whom I send my articles sent me a reply that said that he would pass on this article. I didn't understand. So, I went back and read the article critically, and I realized a couple of things. First of all, it still ended up sounding more like satire than like an editorial. Secondly, the article has the tiniest bit of political commentary, and as a result I probably "killed their buzz." Lastly, and probably most importantly, I realized that in the article I basically made fun of the CollegeHumor audience. I didn't consciously do it; it just inadvertantly came through in some of my jokes. I guess that's an important lesson for me to learn about "the business": If someone gives you an opportunity to talk, they probably won't let you utilize that opportunity to ridicule them.
I know it wasn't the greatest article I have written (hell, it only took me two hours to write), but it is still something that I wrote that now will never be seen by human eyes... or will it? That's right, folks, I have a blog: a magical place where I can post things that I write and pretend that a huge audience is reading them! So here's the article:
"Immigration: An Issue Explained to Dumbasses [That's not the actual title I sent]
Immigration. It is one hot tamale of a social issue right now, and it’s the most recent news headline that has diverted the media’s attention from the War in What’s-it-called. When you turn on the TV, you notice that there appear to be a lot of people angry about immigration, but you don’t know why. Your sociology professor seems to be having a shit fit of excitement, but that class is like three hours long so you’re either asleep or staring at that stacked girl in the low-cut shirt (I’m talking to you, lesbians). Let’s face it, you don’t have the same kind of time to gain a relatively firm grasp of social issues that a patchouli-oil-soaked, coffeehouse hippie has. That’s because hippies divide their time in three ways – smoking pot, playing acoustic guitar and/or percussion in their jam band, and reading international news sources – while you have other responsibilities in life – like playing video games, masturbating, and smoking pot. I know that you can’t squeeze a quick glance at the BBC News website into that tight schedule, and besides you don’t attend Migrant Worker University, so what does this issue have to do with you? Well, quite frankly I’m not sure. But I do know that rhetorical questions add emphasis and importance to writing, so come up with your own answer. The point I’m trying to make is that maybe you would understand this topic better if it was explained in terms that relate to you personally. So, if you like extended metaphors, prepare to have your jeans creamed:
Alright, let’s say that you are the American federal government, and you’re beginning your first year of college… But then again, no person is actually named ‘the American federal government,’ so let’s give you a real name – something hip and cool, like Apple. Ok, so you’re a college freshman named Apple… wait, now that I think about, a college freshman named Apple would probably get his/her ass kicked on a regular basis. How about a tougher name, like… Colossus. Yeah, that’s it, Colossus. Alright, so you get to college, and you’re really happy because your dad (let’s call him U.K.) has been a real fucking douche bag lately. He keeps disrespecting your religion and taxing you and making you call him ‘King.’ The two of you have a huge falling out, and he’s like “Fine, Colossus! Let’s see how long you last on your own!” (don’t worry, you guys make up many years later). So, you get to college, and you meet your four roommates (you turned your form in late and got stuck in an overcrowded quad, even though you specifically asked for a fucking single). Your roommates, representing different sections of American society relevant to this debate, will be discussed in greater detail later.
You start attending classes, and you begin to realize that your work is really difficult and time-consuming. Your roommates do what they can, but they have their own shit to worry about. You’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, and you just wish that there was someone who could help you get a foothold in this college life. Then, in a stroke of luck, you discover this guy on campus named Dikembe. Now, Dikembe has never seen or heard of anybody from your side of campus, and because he is startled by your appearance, you are able to quickly subdue him and take him back to your room. You hold him against his will and force him to do your difficult work for you, and your success skyrockets as your professors are amazed at the amount of work you are able to accomplish. The years go by (over 100 years, to be exact), and you and some of your roommates decide that maybe it’s a little cruel to keep doing this to him (not to mention that you think the administration might be on to you). So, you decide to set Dikembe free. However, you have still totally fucked him over because some of your roommates want him to go back to his dorm, but that was like 100 years ago, dude. You can’t possibly expect him to know anybody over there anymore, plus he likes the dorm in which you guys live. So, you let him become a roommate, but you make sure he has fewer privileges than everyone else.
Now, pay attention because here is where the issue of immigration comes into play: After you have freed Dikembe, you suddenly don’t have anyone to do all of that hard work for free. Then one day, you wake up from a nap to discover that someone had snuck in and finished the difficult work for you. It turns out it was your neighbor, Miguel, and the two of you come to agreement: you will allow Miguel to sneak into your room (which is against dorm policy) to do your work, and in return you will pay Miguel very small amounts of money. This arrangement works like a charm for another 100 years or so, making you the most powerful person on campus. Suddenly, your roommate, Cleatus, who is poor and white (and continues to complain about Dikembe), wants Miguel to have to go back to his own room and go through the necessary process to officially become one of your roommates. He claims that Miguel stole his job, but you know that Cleatus never really had that job in the first place and wouldn’t actually do the job if he saw what Miguel had to do. Your second roommate is this guy named Bourgeois, and he used to be your most important friend but has lost a lot of weight lately because you have stopped really paying attention to him. He doesn’t particularly care about whether or not Miguel continues to work for you, but he would greatly appreciate it if you would stop allowing the Southern Asian kid down the hall do Bourgeois’ work. Your third roommate is your lab partner, and he has secretly been profiting exponentially from the work of Dikembe and Miguel. This roommate – let’s call him Rich – really really wants you to continue allowing Miguel to sneak into the room to do work, and the fact is, Rich’s opinion carries a substantial amount of weight since he helped pay for your tuition for the past 300 semesters. Your fourth and final roommate is Perry. Perry is just a hippie who sits around baked playing the bongo drums to his favorite Trey Anastasio album. Fuck him.
So, there you have it. That is the issue of immigration in a nutshell. You can use this knowledge of a current event to impress your family, friends, professors, or even significant others. Or, you can minimize this window, forget what I have said, and get back to spanking it. The choice is yours: choose wisely."
Like I said, not my best work, but in my opinion, not half bad either. Hey, it would have probably made it into The Pillory (but then again, I'm Co-editor, so the only person I would have had to convince is Elliot). So, I guess the point of this blog entry is to say that I don't think I'm going to be writing much for Collegehumor.com. If it requires that I try to change my writing style, then I don't see the point. A friend of mine recently told me that William Faulkner dabbled in Hollywood screenwriting, and later in his life he admitted that screenwriting killed his writing style. That's right, everyone, I just compared myself to William Faulkner. I'll be honest, I think I'm a more important writer, but we'll discuss that another day.
Anyways, after realizing that I didn't really have anything to send them, I decided to just write an article from scratch with the premise that it would be for CollegeHumor. It only took me about two hours, and I sent it out without much retrospection. Long story short, the dude to whom I send my articles sent me a reply that said that he would pass on this article. I didn't understand. So, I went back and read the article critically, and I realized a couple of things. First of all, it still ended up sounding more like satire than like an editorial. Secondly, the article has the tiniest bit of political commentary, and as a result I probably "killed their buzz." Lastly, and probably most importantly, I realized that in the article I basically made fun of the CollegeHumor audience. I didn't consciously do it; it just inadvertantly came through in some of my jokes. I guess that's an important lesson for me to learn about "the business": If someone gives you an opportunity to talk, they probably won't let you utilize that opportunity to ridicule them.
I know it wasn't the greatest article I have written (hell, it only took me two hours to write), but it is still something that I wrote that now will never be seen by human eyes... or will it? That's right, folks, I have a blog: a magical place where I can post things that I write and pretend that a huge audience is reading them! So here's the article:
"Immigration: An Issue Explained to Dumbasses [That's not the actual title I sent]
Immigration. It is one hot tamale of a social issue right now, and it’s the most recent news headline that has diverted the media’s attention from the War in What’s-it-called. When you turn on the TV, you notice that there appear to be a lot of people angry about immigration, but you don’t know why. Your sociology professor seems to be having a shit fit of excitement, but that class is like three hours long so you’re either asleep or staring at that stacked girl in the low-cut shirt (I’m talking to you, lesbians). Let’s face it, you don’t have the same kind of time to gain a relatively firm grasp of social issues that a patchouli-oil-soaked, coffeehouse hippie has. That’s because hippies divide their time in three ways – smoking pot, playing acoustic guitar and/or percussion in their jam band, and reading international news sources – while you have other responsibilities in life – like playing video games, masturbating, and smoking pot. I know that you can’t squeeze a quick glance at the BBC News website into that tight schedule, and besides you don’t attend Migrant Worker University, so what does this issue have to do with you? Well, quite frankly I’m not sure. But I do know that rhetorical questions add emphasis and importance to writing, so come up with your own answer. The point I’m trying to make is that maybe you would understand this topic better if it was explained in terms that relate to you personally. So, if you like extended metaphors, prepare to have your jeans creamed:
Alright, let’s say that you are the American federal government, and you’re beginning your first year of college… But then again, no person is actually named ‘the American federal government,’ so let’s give you a real name – something hip and cool, like Apple. Ok, so you’re a college freshman named Apple… wait, now that I think about, a college freshman named Apple would probably get his/her ass kicked on a regular basis. How about a tougher name, like… Colossus. Yeah, that’s it, Colossus. Alright, so you get to college, and you’re really happy because your dad (let’s call him U.K.) has been a real fucking douche bag lately. He keeps disrespecting your religion and taxing you and making you call him ‘King.’ The two of you have a huge falling out, and he’s like “Fine, Colossus! Let’s see how long you last on your own!” (don’t worry, you guys make up many years later). So, you get to college, and you meet your four roommates (you turned your form in late and got stuck in an overcrowded quad, even though you specifically asked for a fucking single). Your roommates, representing different sections of American society relevant to this debate, will be discussed in greater detail later.
You start attending classes, and you begin to realize that your work is really difficult and time-consuming. Your roommates do what they can, but they have their own shit to worry about. You’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, and you just wish that there was someone who could help you get a foothold in this college life. Then, in a stroke of luck, you discover this guy on campus named Dikembe. Now, Dikembe has never seen or heard of anybody from your side of campus, and because he is startled by your appearance, you are able to quickly subdue him and take him back to your room. You hold him against his will and force him to do your difficult work for you, and your success skyrockets as your professors are amazed at the amount of work you are able to accomplish. The years go by (over 100 years, to be exact), and you and some of your roommates decide that maybe it’s a little cruel to keep doing this to him (not to mention that you think the administration might be on to you). So, you decide to set Dikembe free. However, you have still totally fucked him over because some of your roommates want him to go back to his dorm, but that was like 100 years ago, dude. You can’t possibly expect him to know anybody over there anymore, plus he likes the dorm in which you guys live. So, you let him become a roommate, but you make sure he has fewer privileges than everyone else.
Now, pay attention because here is where the issue of immigration comes into play: After you have freed Dikembe, you suddenly don’t have anyone to do all of that hard work for free. Then one day, you wake up from a nap to discover that someone had snuck in and finished the difficult work for you. It turns out it was your neighbor, Miguel, and the two of you come to agreement: you will allow Miguel to sneak into your room (which is against dorm policy) to do your work, and in return you will pay Miguel very small amounts of money. This arrangement works like a charm for another 100 years or so, making you the most powerful person on campus. Suddenly, your roommate, Cleatus, who is poor and white (and continues to complain about Dikembe), wants Miguel to have to go back to his own room and go through the necessary process to officially become one of your roommates. He claims that Miguel stole his job, but you know that Cleatus never really had that job in the first place and wouldn’t actually do the job if he saw what Miguel had to do. Your second roommate is this guy named Bourgeois, and he used to be your most important friend but has lost a lot of weight lately because you have stopped really paying attention to him. He doesn’t particularly care about whether or not Miguel continues to work for you, but he would greatly appreciate it if you would stop allowing the Southern Asian kid down the hall do Bourgeois’ work. Your third roommate is your lab partner, and he has secretly been profiting exponentially from the work of Dikembe and Miguel. This roommate – let’s call him Rich – really really wants you to continue allowing Miguel to sneak into the room to do work, and the fact is, Rich’s opinion carries a substantial amount of weight since he helped pay for your tuition for the past 300 semesters. Your fourth and final roommate is Perry. Perry is just a hippie who sits around baked playing the bongo drums to his favorite Trey Anastasio album. Fuck him.
So, there you have it. That is the issue of immigration in a nutshell. You can use this knowledge of a current event to impress your family, friends, professors, or even significant others. Or, you can minimize this window, forget what I have said, and get back to spanking it. The choice is yours: choose wisely."
Like I said, not my best work, but in my opinion, not half bad either. Hey, it would have probably made it into The Pillory (but then again, I'm Co-editor, so the only person I would have had to convince is Elliot). So, I guess the point of this blog entry is to say that I don't think I'm going to be writing much for Collegehumor.com. If it requires that I try to change my writing style, then I don't see the point. A friend of mine recently told me that William Faulkner dabbled in Hollywood screenwriting, and later in his life he admitted that screenwriting killed his writing style. That's right, everyone, I just compared myself to William Faulkner. I'll be honest, I think I'm a more important writer, but we'll discuss that another day.
posted by Phil at
11:42 AM
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3 comments
