This Guy Is a Catch...

...and I know that because he says he's a catch:



Take notes, guys: If a girl isn't returning your calls, she's probably taking her mom to chemotherapy.

It's weird how he sounds nerdy yet the words and phrases coming out of his mouth are unbelievably cocky.

Pay particular attention to the way he pronounces "assume" at about the 2:20 mark.

Anyways, my guess is that she definitely called him back and now they are happily dating.

Cinderella Story

I make a solemn plea to sports analysts everywhere: Please stop referring to the 2007-08 Boston Celtics as the greatest turnaround in NBA history.

Or can we at least put an asterisk next to such a comment?

For those sports fans who were not aware (and I’m looking at you, people living in the Biodome), the Celtics won the 2008 NBA Championship, and in the process they won an impressive 66 games. During the 2006-07 season, however, the Celtics managed only 24 wins—but that’s pretty impressive considering the team consisted of Paul Pierce, some eighth graders and a couple of those old guys whom you see playing at the rec center with Horace Grant-style glasses and braces on both knees. I mean, sure, we all remember the huge splash they made in the free agent market when they signed Kevin Pittsnogle on July 26, but amazingly they turned right around and got rid of him on October 20.

The increase of 42 wins shattered the previous record of 32 games, set by the 1997-98 San Antonio Spurs. Some attribute that amazing feat by the Spurs to the addition of guard Reggie Geary, but I’ve stubbornly held that it had more to do with the drafting of this guy named Tim Duncan (coupled with a healthier David Robinson).

Well, what happened in Boston? Did Brian Scalabrine pull Larry Bird out of his ass? Not that I’m aware of. Did Doc Rivers learn how to coach? Definitely not. The Celtics were poised to get the number one pick in the 2007 NBA Draft and make Greg Oden the “Shaq” to Paul Pierce’s “Kobe.” But at the end of the Draft Lottery, Boston was shocked to find itself with the fifth pick, which was definitely the opposite of “wicked awesome.” With Pierce growing more and more frustrated with the overall shittiness of the franchise, General Manager Danny Ainge decided it was time to resort to Plan B, entitled: “We Got the Fifth Pick? Holy Shit! What the Fuck Are We Going To Do Now?’

And so the Celtics executed a number of personnel moves (the most underrated of which was the signing of James Posey). Of course, the primary moves were a trade to acquire Ray Allen from the Seattle Supersonics and a trade to acquire Kevin Garnett from the Minnesota Timberwolves. In fact, out of 15 players on the Celtics 2007-08 roster, only six were on the team during the 2006-07 season. Boston went from a starting lineup of (then-rookie) Rajon Rondo, Wally Szczerbiak, Paul Pierce, Al Jefferson and Kendrick Perkins to a lineup of Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins (not to mention a slew of better bench players). So, really the analysts are right: the Celtics experienced an incredible single season turnaround. Unfortunately, it was a turnaround of their roster.

Does this devalue the Celtics championship? Of course not. My frustration is merely with those people who tend to give credit where credit is not due. To most people, a “dramatic turnaround” is keeping relatively the same roster, drafting one (albeit incredible) player and winning 32 more games—it’s not adding two future Hall-of-Famers, completely changing your bench players and winning 42 more games.

Which brings me to Danny Ainge. We’re quick to forget that he was on the hot seat before this season. I’ll admit, Ainge deserves credit simply for pulling off these trades, but it’s time for everyone else to admit that he fell ass-backwards into this scenario: he is not some sort of GM genius. First of all, he was extremely lucky that there were two teams out there that were in full rebuilding mode and were very eager to unload their respective superstars. People are acting like somehow this was Ainge’s plan all along: stockpile young players and eventually trade them for superstars. In what way is that a reliable strategy? In actuality, Ainge was planning on drafting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant and hoping that either one would form a nice core with Pierce and Al Jefferson. When they wound up with the fifth pick in the Draft, Ainge was forced to say “fuck it” and trade the team away or risk being fired halfway through the season.

This probably makes me seem bitter about the Celtics’ success; however, although I wouldn’t say that I was rooting for them in the Finals, I definitely was not upset about them winning. There are three reasons for this mindset: 1) My hatred of Kobe, Phil Jackson and the Lakers reigns supreme; 2) The result of the Finals made my team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, look pretty damn good considering we almost defeated Boston with nothing more than Lebron James and some cardboard cut-outs of basketball players; and 3) I’m kind of excited (make that downright giddy) about the prospect of the Celtics following the exact same path of the Miami Heat. Much like the Heat, the Celtics mortgaged their future to win a championship right now. There’s nothing wrong with that, but Boston fans need to be prepared for the repercussions. By my math, Ray Allen will be 98 at the start of next season, and he showed significant signs of slowing down throughout the playoffs. Additionally, Kevin Garnett proved to the world that he is content with taking 18-foot jumpers every time down the floor and that he really doesn’t feel compelled to take over a game on most nights, even though he is talented enough to do so.

I congratulate the Boston Celtics on their NBA Championship, but can we please stop talking about this like it’s a rag-tag, Walt Disney, underdog sports tale, reminiscent of Tiny Giants?

Leggo My Prego

I can’t tell you how many times I sat in 9th grade Biology class and thought, “Gosh, I would love to be a dad right now [cradling an imaginary baby in my arms].” Apparently, this sentiment was shared at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts, where pregnant teens are popping up like pregnant hotcakes. Here’s how it started: some misguided 15-year-old texted her friend, “hey, bff, i tots wanna get pregos!” and her friend replied “samesies, obvi ;-)” and it all went downhill from there.

I didn’t think that at age 24 I would already be scratching my head and thinking “Kids these days” like a crotchety old man (and not just because I have Progeria), but if being pregnant is cool, then high school has changed slightly since I was there. Don’t get me wrong, girls got pregnant when I went to high school, but the typical reaction was to say “I’m sorry” with downcast eyes, not “That’s awesome!” with a leaping high five.

I guess some of the girls entered into a secret pact (or as I like to call it, “The Baby-havers Club”) to get pregnant, give birth, and thus bring a swift end to their adult lives at the same time. It’s even being reported that one of the girls had sex with a 24-year-old homeless guy just to participate in this fertility fest. Mark it down; June 2008—the first, and I hope the last, time anyone felt that they had no choice but to sleep with a homeless person in order to “fit in.”

Whatever happened to sharing a limo at prom as the ultimate sign of friendship? Sure, my friends and I made a pact in high school to lose our virginity. Okay, so maybe it was less of a pact and more of a wish, but still it appears that sex by itself is not taboo enough for today’s 15-year-old. According to BBC News, a pediatric psychiatrist named Elizabeth Guthrie said that “some girls might be viewing pregnancy as a fast-track to adulthood and independence” and that “[i]t may give you an opportunity for unconditional love and attention from the baby.” First of all, I think we’re playing fast and loose with the term “fast-track.” Nine prolonged months of getting larger and more hormone-crazed doesn’t exactly seem like a “short-cut” to anything. Secondly, independence? No, DE-pendence. As in, you will now have a human life that is dependant on you for survival. Unless the kids were looking for independence from fun things with friends. Third, when I was in high school, if you really wanted unconditional love and attention, you didn’t go out and get knocked up—you got yourself a Tamagotchi. Just think; this whole ordeal could have been prevented with a handful of Tamagotchis and maybe some Pogs. The Pogs don’t have anything to do with pregnancy; I’ve just got all of these sweet slammers in my closet, and I don’t know what to do with them.

I don’t want to sound like Andy Rooney (again, not just because I have Progeria), but what the hell happened to sexual education in our schools? It’s not that sex ed teachers scared me from having sex in high school, although they tried. Rather, it’s that the classes made me feel so damn uncomfortable and awkward about sex (at least, that’s how I rationalize not getting laid in high school). For example, to this day I vividly remember watching a video of a woman giving birth from the doctor’s-eye view. Do you think these girls would have wanted to get pregnant after seeing footage of someone’s lady-business being wrecked by the emergence of a slimy purple creature? One hopes not. Side note: I also vividly remember a video of a man checking his testicles for lumps. Despite the full frontal nudity, you never saw the penis. This guy either had a really small member, or he had had sleight-of-hand abilities worthy of Houdini.

Obviously, there’s no single solution to this problem. It takes a village to raise a child and all of that shit. Still, I suspect that this is the inevitable result of generational one-upsmanship: high schoolers today get pregnant to be cool; high schoolers in the 80s and 90s did hardcore drugs to be cool; high schoolers in the 1950s held hands to be cool; high schoolers in the 1890s sat around a light bulb to be cool. We shouldn’t just roll over and let it happen, but the first thing to do is stop acting like this is a Gloucester and “not my kid” problem and start recognizing it as an American disillusioned youth problem. Step Two is, of course, making Tamagotchis mandatory in schools. Who’s with me?

CNN – The latest in dungeon incest news

The hyperlink on CNN.com reads “Incest cellar girl wakes up from coma.” Now, if you’re slightly offended by the insensitivity of this title, don’t worry because the actual article title is totally different: “Incest dungeon girl wakes up from coma.” Nice touch. ‘Incest dungeon girl’ has a much better ring to it than ‘incest cellar girl.’

For those of you wondering what I am talking about, here’s the link to the article. If you don’t want to read it, I’ll summarize for you: Fat Cat from “Chip n’ Dale Rescue Rangers” is alive and living in Austria under the name “Josef Fritzl.” Actually, I don’t mean to make light of a horrible situation (although he does look like Fat Cat). Rather, it is my intention to make fun of the insensitive way that this article covers the story. Basically, this crazy person imprisoned and raped his daughter in a dungeon that he had built under his home, and he produced several children with her, some of whom he kept captive and some of whom he allowed out into the world. Ideally, he’s going to go to jail for the rest of his life. End of story, no need for the media to bother these people any more.

Yet, today we have a 24-hour news cycle, and CNN can’t allow a story this shocking and juicy to just wither up and die (be on the lookout next year for “One-year anniversary, where are they now – rape incest dungeon lady”). One of the children/grandchildren of Fritzl has been in a coma since he was arrested and just recently woke up. If this was an article celebrating the fact that this girl isn’t going to die, then that would be fine by me. However, CNN believes that this “could shed new light on what occurred in the basement were she was held captive for decades.” Ok, this has a weird torture-porn vibe to it. Why do we need to shed new light on what this guy did when he already confessed and presumably will get the book thrown at him? [I don’t mean that figuratively - in Austria, most criminal punishment comes in the form of book-throwing: if you commit a misdemeanor, you get an STD pamphlet or a children’s book lightly tossed at your arm; this guy Fritzl should get Nolan Ryan throwing a hardback of “War and Peace” at his testicles. It’s kind of like an intellectual upgrade on stoning.] I can’t help but think that CNN is [gasp] just doing this for the shock value.

And “[i]ncest dungeon girl”?! Really, dudes? What is that, the worst superhero in history? It’s bad enough that she has had one of the shittiest lives on Earth, but now she’s being referred to as not just a ‘dungeon girl’ (which I’m sure is some sort of kinky fetish) but as an ‘incest dungeon girl’ (which I’m sure is some sort of illegal kinky fetish). That’s like setting someone on fire and referring to them as “arson guy.” It sounds like she actively chose these things. And yes, I’m fully aware that all I’m doing is whining about one measly title of an article, but it’s a microcosm of how so many news organizations strive for shock value rather than actual important news. I like to call it the WWE-ification of the media.

Tillman

This dog seems really awesome, but I'll bet he's actually a dick in person:

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Reserve Your Copy Today

I've got great news, everyone: Senator Larry Craig is writing a book. You may remember Larry Craig as the Idaho Senator who got caught trying to hook up with a dude in a men's room in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, and then executed the worst denial in history by calling a press conference to say "I'm not gay" instead of "I didn't solicit sex in the bathroom." When I first heard the news of a book, my initial reaction was that Senator Craig would most likely start out with the intention of writing a "book", but after about a week of writing he would probably have something in the same vein (no pun intended) as a steamy Penthouse Forum letter. However, this article provided more details.

First of all, the description of Larry Craig as "outgoing" is hilarious. Somehow, I don't think that the author meant it ironically, but in their defense, in Idaho I think 'outgoing' means 'really gay'. Also, I love how the author states that Craig was arrested "after police say he attempted to solicit gay sex." So, after he's caught soliciting sex by an undercover cop and he signs a written confession saying that he was guilty of soliciting sex, we're still just referring to it as something that the police are off-handedly claiming? Agreed. After all, the Minneapolis-St. Paul police have been after Larry Craig for years. Those assholes were just looking for a reason to take him down.

Anyways, getting back to the book, Craig says that it's going to be "on energy," but it will also include "a bit" about the airport incident. Therefore, you can officially add the term "shitty businessman" to "liar" and "douche" when you tell your grandchildren about Larry Craig. Let me break this down:

"[O]n energy"? What are you writing; a 4th grade science report? Larry, is the book going to be about conserving energy? climate change? our dependency on foreign oil? Because if you just write a book "on energy," it sounds like the type of thing you used to see a slack-jawed, bifocaled 5-year-old talking about on the 'don't take my word for it' segment of "Reading Rainbow" ["Hi. My name is Michael, and I read 'On Energy', by Senator Larry Craig. Its has all kinds of neat stuff about energy and where energy comes from. My favorite parts were the ones about the energy from the sun and the anonymous gay bathroom sex." - waves at camera until fade].

So let me get this straight (again, no pun intended): you want to write a book "on energy" and only include "a bit" about the time you were arrested for trying to have sex with a stranger in a men's bathroom - the only thing you are and ever will be famous for? Oh yeah, that should send copies flying off the shelves. And besides how exactly are you going to shimmy the airport incident into a book that's supposed to be about energy? - "The scientists have misinterpreted data about changing weather patterns to be signs of catastrophic climate change - much the way the tapping of my foot and hand motions under the stall divider have been misinterpreted as me beckoning for a penis..."

The article didn't mention anything about a possible title to Senator Craig's book, so if you don't mind, I'd like to throw some of my own suggestions out there. Feel free to add your own in the comment section:

-"An Inconvenient Handjob" (and/or Blowjob);

-"I'm Not Gay... But My Boyfriend Is! LOLz ;)";

-"The Secret (to soliciting anonymous sex in a men's restroom)";

-"I'm So Far in the Closet that I'm Finding Christmas Presents: The Larry Craig Story";

-"Senator Larry Craig: My Life as a Public Servant (and a Bit about that Airport Thing)";

-"Goosebumps: Monster Blood III"; and finally

-"Men are from Mars, and I Love Them"

You may also notice in the article that Larry Craig endorsed Lt. Gov. Jim Risch. Endorsing, eh? Is that what they're calling it these days...

*In somewhat related news: today, I came across this article which states that actress and nebulous being, Tatum O'Neal, whom you may remember from some movie a really long time ago, was caught buying coke last night. She tried to get out of it by saying that she was "researching a part." Once the police officers stopped laughing at her claim that she had actually been cast in a movie, they arrested her. A quick check of IMDB shows that Tatum's next project is "Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleading Scandal." I'll just briefly mention the fact that in order to call something "The _____ Scandal", it actually has to be something that people remember. As for Tatum, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that even if crack is in this movie, buying it probably isn't necessary to successfully execute the role of "Lauren Tippit." Look, Robert DeNiro is the quintessential method actor, but he didn't feel the need to murder anyone to prepare himself for "Goodfellas." METHOD-ACTING FAIL, TATUM.