Reserve Your Copy Today

I've got great news, everyone: Senator Larry Craig is writing a book. You may remember Larry Craig as the Idaho Senator who got caught trying to hook up with a dude in a men's room in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, and then executed the worst denial in history by calling a press conference to say "I'm not gay" instead of "I didn't solicit sex in the bathroom." When I first heard the news of a book, my initial reaction was that Senator Craig would most likely start out with the intention of writing a "book", but after about a week of writing he would probably have something in the same vein (no pun intended) as a steamy Penthouse Forum letter. However, this article provided more details.

First of all, the description of Larry Craig as "outgoing" is hilarious. Somehow, I don't think that the author meant it ironically, but in their defense, in Idaho I think 'outgoing' means 'really gay'. Also, I love how the author states that Craig was arrested "after police say he attempted to solicit gay sex." So, after he's caught soliciting sex by an undercover cop and he signs a written confession saying that he was guilty of soliciting sex, we're still just referring to it as something that the police are off-handedly claiming? Agreed. After all, the Minneapolis-St. Paul police have been after Larry Craig for years. Those assholes were just looking for a reason to take him down.

Anyways, getting back to the book, Craig says that it's going to be "on energy," but it will also include "a bit" about the airport incident. Therefore, you can officially add the term "shitty businessman" to "liar" and "douche" when you tell your grandchildren about Larry Craig. Let me break this down:

"[O]n energy"? What are you writing; a 4th grade science report? Larry, is the book going to be about conserving energy? climate change? our dependency on foreign oil? Because if you just write a book "on energy," it sounds like the type of thing you used to see a slack-jawed, bifocaled 5-year-old talking about on the 'don't take my word for it' segment of "Reading Rainbow" ["Hi. My name is Michael, and I read 'On Energy', by Senator Larry Craig. Its has all kinds of neat stuff about energy and where energy comes from. My favorite parts were the ones about the energy from the sun and the anonymous gay bathroom sex." - waves at camera until fade].

So let me get this straight (again, no pun intended): you want to write a book "on energy" and only include "a bit" about the time you were arrested for trying to have sex with a stranger in a men's bathroom - the only thing you are and ever will be famous for? Oh yeah, that should send copies flying off the shelves. And besides how exactly are you going to shimmy the airport incident into a book that's supposed to be about energy? - "The scientists have misinterpreted data about changing weather patterns to be signs of catastrophic climate change - much the way the tapping of my foot and hand motions under the stall divider have been misinterpreted as me beckoning for a penis..."

The article didn't mention anything about a possible title to Senator Craig's book, so if you don't mind, I'd like to throw some of my own suggestions out there. Feel free to add your own in the comment section:

-"An Inconvenient Handjob" (and/or Blowjob);

-"I'm Not Gay... But My Boyfriend Is! LOLz ;)";

-"The Secret (to soliciting anonymous sex in a men's restroom)";

-"I'm So Far in the Closet that I'm Finding Christmas Presents: The Larry Craig Story";

-"Senator Larry Craig: My Life as a Public Servant (and a Bit about that Airport Thing)";

-"Goosebumps: Monster Blood III"; and finally

-"Men are from Mars, and I Love Them"

You may also notice in the article that Larry Craig endorsed Lt. Gov. Jim Risch. Endorsing, eh? Is that what they're calling it these days...

*In somewhat related news: today, I came across this article which states that actress and nebulous being, Tatum O'Neal, whom you may remember from some movie a really long time ago, was caught buying coke last night. She tried to get out of it by saying that she was "researching a part." Once the police officers stopped laughing at her claim that she had actually been cast in a movie, they arrested her. A quick check of IMDB shows that Tatum's next project is "Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleading Scandal." I'll just briefly mention the fact that in order to call something "The _____ Scandal", it actually has to be something that people remember. As for Tatum, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that even if crack is in this movie, buying it probably isn't necessary to successfully execute the role of "Lauren Tippit." Look, Robert DeNiro is the quintessential method actor, but he didn't feel the need to murder anyone to prepare himself for "Goodfellas." METHOD-ACTING FAIL, TATUM.