FREE SHIT GIVEAWAY

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This might sound a bit morbid, but when *anything*, let alone a TV show, garners this kind of a reaction in people, then they should probably be put to sleep. After about 1.5 solid minutes of this demented reaction, Oprah should have quietly exited the building, sealed the doors, and sucked the oxygen out. And it would be for their own good because I'm not sure that these people have a human central nervous system anymore - they've become flatworm-like beings that only respond to fluctuations in light and the sound of Oprah's voice.

And you know what the worst part about it is? Apparently, the "Oprah's Favorite Things" episodes are the ones where Oprah gives free stuff to her audience members. That's what these consumer whores (and I don't mean that in a sexist way; it's just coincidence that most of them are women) are screaming about. "What's that?... Free shit? Free shit?! FREE SHIT!!! Thank the sweet baby Jesus because we're getting free shit today!"

Remember in elementary when you'd be sitting at a table waiting quietly for the teacher to pick which table would lead the line to go to recess or lunch? And then the teacher would pick a table and those kids would go crazy and run to the door, but they caused such a ruckus that the teacher would change her mind and tell them to sit back down? And those kids would mope back to the table and blame each other and be like 'Aw man, why did you have to be so loud? We could have been line leaders and now it's all your fault!' Well, that's what Oprah should have done to her audience:

Oprah: "Free shit giveaway today!"
[insanity ensues]
Oprah: "...Nevermind. You guys clearly couldn't handle the responsibility. No free shit today. Sit back down."
Audience member 1: "Aw, man; it's all your fault!"
Audience member 2: "Na uh!"
Audience member 1: "Ya huh!"...

Under that scenario, you can definitively say that you're at least dealing with homo sapiens.