And You Think I'm Childish...

Quick blogpost here because I have to go to class soon. I just wanted to comment a little bit on the fact that I bought CapriSuns to put in my lunch for law school because I've caught a little bit of flack for it. Yes, it is true that CapriSuns are generally meant for children under the age of ten, and it's also true that I can finish a CapriSun very quickly now (sometimes, I pack two!). However, a drink is a drink no matter the packaging (be it can, box, pouch or squeeze-it), and I stand by my decision as one of the best investments that I've mad in a long time.

And let's face it: CapriSuns are easily not the most childish thing that one could put in their lunch. Take for example something that I just witnessed while eating my lunch - a girl eating Kix cereal out of a Ziploc plastic bag. For those of you who don't remember, Kix is a children's cereal made out of styrofoam and sadness (and on a side note: Kix is an example of how putting a smiling child on your box can somehow make you a kids' cereal even though it tastes like nothingness). But truthfully you could substitute "Kix" with "Plain Cheerios" and the result would be the same: eating dry, tasteless cereal out of a little plastic baggy. What's wrong? No cut up pieces of hot dog today? The only appropriate way for a human being to eat dry cereal out of a plastic bag is with crumbs around their mouth as they haphazardly push handfuls of the cereal toward their face such that 50% ends up in their mouth and 50% on the floor, all whilst reaching out with their other hand in an "opening and closing" motion for the toy that is inevitably out of their reach.

Blog Entry (For Kids)

The other day, I missed the bus by like five minutes, so I had about an hour to kill before the next bus came. Luckily, the bus stop is at Fair Oaks Mall, which I’ve only been in a couple of times. It turned out to be more fun than I thought it would be, because I saw two of the most ridiculous stores I’ve ever seen.

The first one was “Talbots For Kids.” What a great idea: There is nothing little girls like more than dressing like professional women about town. When I was a kid, I can’t tell you how many times I had a job interview coming up with nothing to wear. But I suppose the point of Talbots For Kids is for parents to go and buy clothes that their kids will hate and not want to wear.

The second retarded store was “Pottery Barn For Kids.” Pottery Barn For Kids! Look, when kids play “house”, they aren’t really concerned with getting the furnishings right. Kids don’t need a store to help them find napkin holders that match their chargers. And yes, I do lose some Man Points for knowing what napkin holders and chargers are.

*I have a new entry for my ongoing segment called “Weird People that I’ve Seen on the Bus.” The other night, a woman got on the bus, and she had the makeup scheme of a transsexual prostitute. You might wonder, “Well, Phil, how do you know that she wasn’t a transsexual?” An excellent question; I know she wasn’t a transsexual because she had the most pronounced camel-toe I HAVE EVER SEEN. Basically, it was an atomic wedgie. I could actually see her G-spot. I think that she might have misunderstood the meaning of the song “Lady Lumps.” You should not be able floss your snatch through your pants. I know; this disgusting, but I had to make you share in my pain.

*One final bus note: The other day, this woman was reading a Spanish-language newspaper, and the headline was “’No Soy Gay’, Afirma Senador Craig”. I don’t have a joke here; I just thought this was hilarious.

She was the Meryl Streep of her time...

Quick entry here:

I found a montage of out-takes from Anna Nicole Smith's blockbuster film, "Skyscraper". It truly begs the question: How can you be an actor if the drugs you are on prevent you from being able to feel your face?

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/67170/detail/

Law [School] and Order

Hey three people who will read this. Sorry for not posting anything in a year or so. Anyone who reads this knows what I've been doing, but for the sake of continuity, I'll recap: I moved to Fairfax, where I pretend that I live in Washington, D.C.; I got a job working as a paralegal in a small law firm - my boss was/is a lunatic; I got into George Washington University Law School; I bought a pipe and some tobacco, but I can't figure out how to smoke it. That pretty much covers everything.

Well, I'm two weeks in, and law school is already pretty intense. Luckily, it's the workload and not the people. Most of the people whom I have met are nice and usually commiserate about having difficulty with the information. So far, I'd have to say that my favorite subject is blah blah blah, which I like much more than [snore]. Let's face it: none of you really care what classes I'm in or what they're about. You just want to hear interesting and/or funny stories about law school. As of now, I've got nothing; other than the fact that my Criminal Law professor talks like a nerdy Bill Cosby. So, instead of forcing it, I'll just talk about whatever anecdotes pop into my head while I'm typing:

*I hate people who will get a bubble in their throat but don't have the decency to swallow and clear that shit out. They just keep right on talking like everything is fine. Honestly, as soon as that happens, they could be reading from "Mein Kampf", and I wouldn't notice. I become fixated on the fact that they sound like Kermit the Frog. And then I try to swallow for them, hoping that either (1) I can somehow projectile swallow and clear the bubble out myself or (2) they notice me swallowing and either consciously or subconsciously solve the problem. Look, if a bird pooped on your face, you wouldn't just continue on with your day like nothing happened. You'd think 'My, I look ridiculous with bird poop on my face,' and you'd clean it off. Alright, I've sufficiently beaten this dead horse.

*To save money on my daily commute, I've been riding the bus to the metro (I then take the metro to a jet-ski; the jet-ski to a camel; and finally, the camel to a dirigible). Needless to say, I get to witness some fun characters on the bus. The other day, this woman got on the bus, and I don't want to call her overweight because that would be doing a disservice to overweight people. 'Overweight' is a polite term that doesn't quite convey the fact that this woman was large. And I don't care if you're fat; it's your body. However, this woman was wearing skin-tight, black spandex pants. And her ass crack was saying "Come here, spandex pants; I'm going to eat you up!" It looked like she had been wading waist-deep through the La Brea Tar Pits; spread-cheeked.

I'm going to try to update my blog more often. In fact, I'm hoping that it will serve as some sort of therapy and analysis, or anal-rapy for you "Arrested Development" fans, to maintain my sanity in my first year of law school. I'm guessing that most of the entries will end up like this one - making myself feel better by belittling others. And you know what? It feels like it's working.