Memoir-ial Day Weekend

I went to Philadelphia with some friends for Memorial Day weekend, and I suppose that's as good a topic as any other to talk about. Naturally, I took one of the chinatown buses, which is definitely the best way to travel up and down the east coast. Those of you who know me well understand that when I say "best" I really mean "cheapest." I find it funny that they actually have websites with bus timetables and stuff, because it really doesn't matter. Buying your ticket online is a meaningless gesture. All you do is show up with some cash, get on a bus, and when that bus gets full it leaves. It's really more like smuggling than traveling. I've literally traveled on a bus that was supposed to be sold out, but they gave me a ticket nonetheless and as we were pulling out I saw people standing on the sidewalk holding their printed-out tickets and looking confused. ...On second thought, I feel bad about that story. But you get the point. This time around on the chinatown bus, I noticed the driver moving some suspicious-looking black garbage bags from one bus to another. I'm not going to speculate on this one and will instead plead ignorance - What I don't know can't hurt me (or implicate me as a drug mule).

Anyways, on Saturday we walked around the City of Brotherly Love. As you can see, we went to Independence Hall ("Jump for democracy!"). It was crazy to think that I was standing in the same place where Nicholas Cage stood four long years ago, when he uncovered the special bifocals that Benjamin Franklin made so that he could view a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. What can I say - I'm a history buff!

You can see on the right-hand side of the picture the massive line of people trying to see the Liberty Bell. However, there are windows right by the bell that allow you to see it from the outside. And what's even better about the windows is that you can also point and laugh at the people who waited an hour to see an old cracked bell.

We walked down Market Street, and I think it was "Hate White People Day" because there were several groups set up with microphones or megaphones talking about white people. I'm not saying they were 100% incorrect with their assessments; I'm just saying that it was awkward. I thought about shrugging and saying "Sorry?" when I walked past, but I decided against it.

Then we sort of did a bar hop up and down South Street. Here's Sam and I at Fat Tuesday enjoying a beer that tastes as cold as the Rockies. Speaking of which, how long do you think beer companies are going to ride this whole "cold taste" bandwagon? It begs the question: are they retarded for not understanding that cold is actually a tactile sensation and not a taste, or are we retarded for allowing that to actually be a selling point? Maybe the beer companies will stop talking about it if everyone starts using it as a reason why they don't like a particular beer: "Why don't you like Bud Light?" "Eh, it tastes way too cold. I need something a little warmer tasting, that's all."

Later on that night, on our way to do karaoke we hit a pothole so big that it actually flattened both tires on the driver's side of the car:































I stood in the pothole, thinking it would be a great way to illustrate how big it was:

Instead it just looks a crazy man standing on an invisible surfboard in the street (which you can probably see every Saturday night in D.C.). Still though, I think you can tell the ridiculousness from this picture:

Look at that thing. That straight line you see across the top is actually a T. Rex femur - that's how deep this hole is.

So basically, I learned that Philadelphia is a fun city with history, some cool bars, poorly maintained roads, and roughly two duck tours per every one human being. Hope everybody else had a great holiday.

FREE SHIT GIVEAWAY

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

This might sound a bit morbid, but when *anything*, let alone a TV show, garners this kind of a reaction in people, then they should probably be put to sleep. After about 1.5 solid minutes of this demented reaction, Oprah should have quietly exited the building, sealed the doors, and sucked the oxygen out. And it would be for their own good because I'm not sure that these people have a human central nervous system anymore - they've become flatworm-like beings that only respond to fluctuations in light and the sound of Oprah's voice.

And you know what the worst part about it is? Apparently, the "Oprah's Favorite Things" episodes are the ones where Oprah gives free stuff to her audience members. That's what these consumer whores (and I don't mean that in a sexist way; it's just coincidence that most of them are women) are screaming about. "What's that?... Free shit? Free shit?! FREE SHIT!!! Thank the sweet baby Jesus because we're getting free shit today!"

Remember in elementary when you'd be sitting at a table waiting quietly for the teacher to pick which table would lead the line to go to recess or lunch? And then the teacher would pick a table and those kids would go crazy and run to the door, but they caused such a ruckus that the teacher would change her mind and tell them to sit back down? And those kids would mope back to the table and blame each other and be like 'Aw man, why did you have to be so loud? We could have been line leaders and now it's all your fault!' Well, that's what Oprah should have done to her audience:

Oprah: "Free shit giveaway today!"
[insanity ensues]
Oprah: "...Nevermind. You guys clearly couldn't handle the responsibility. No free shit today. Sit back down."
Audience member 1: "Aw, man; it's all your fault!"
Audience member 2: "Na uh!"
Audience member 1: "Ya huh!"...

Under that scenario, you can definitively say that you're at least dealing with homo sapiens.

It's Raining McCain!

I don't mean to show my bias, but here's a colorful little collage of missteps by John McCain:



In the Senator's defense, he's not used to having every statement scrutinized, since video cameras were not invented until very late in his life.

So, does this video prove that John McCain would be a bad president? No; it just shows how awkward he is, and how much he's pandering to win the election. I know, I know - every candidate panders, but pander about stuff that makes sense. Why would you make up stuff about how safe it is in Iraq when your policy is that we should keep troops there?

Sorry for the boring post.

Me Love You Long Time

I was on Facebook checking my Scrabulous situation when I was caught off guard by a very odd advertisement, as you can see below:


That's right; SaigonDarlings.com. And this ad wasn't tiny and off to the side - it was the same size as above and uncomfortably invading my Scrabulous space. I'm not sure if Facebook's ads work like Google's ads where they correspond to something you searched for or something that was stated in an email (except when the ad is completely out of left field, like when you get an email that says "What are you up to this weekend?" and next to it is an ad that says "50% Off All Dog Yoga Equipment"). If that's the case, then apparently I have something in my profile (maybe it's my listing of "indonesion gamelon" under my favorite types of music) or my composition of friends is such that a computer somewhere went, 'Hmm, this guy would love to meet some Vietnamese women online.' On the other hand, maybe the ad doesn't correspond to anything, and Scrabulous just got a creepy back-alley sort of feel to it.

Needless to say, I checked the site out (don't judge me; you know you were going to do it too as soon as you finished reading this). First of all, you are greeted with a large picture of a Vietnamese girl playing a mandolin. So, clearly this website is the real deal - no phony, non-mandolin-playing, impostor Vietnamese women around these parts.

Right off the bat, I'm thinking this site is just not for me, primarily because it says, "Are you feeling lonely for over a decade?" Apparently, you have to be single for at least ten years to participate in the Saigon Darlings program. I'm not sure why I was surprised to find that the website was written and/or edited by someone who speaks English as a second language, as evidenced by phrases such as "The chances of meeting the love of your life through Vietnam Dating in Saigon Darlings are big!" Big chances, you say? I like those odds! I also enjoyed this comment: "Do not miss this opportunity to experience Vietnamese Dating with not just attractive Viet girls but also good-natured one." Yes, I'm sure the guys who are going to this site are thinking, "I'm tired of all these attractive Vietnamese girls with sour dispositions... ah, says here these women are good-natured. I wonder if they are genial and affable as well..."

But I don't mean to simply poke fun at someone's struggle with English; in fact, I feel kind of badly because sometimes their struggle ends up conveying a message that I'm sure they didn't intend. For example: "Once a member, you will be given access to use the features and services of the site. You will never know that the ideal person you are seeking is here at Saigon Darlings." Wait, are they saying that despite joining the site, I still won't find the person for me? Seems somewhat contrary to the business model. Another example: "If you worry about the differences of your culture when it comes to dating, it is not a barrier to have a happy relationship since most of the Vietnamese girls already accepted the thoughts about dating online." 'Most' of the girls have accepted the thought of online dating? Are some of them being registered on this site against their will? Maybe I've just uncovered the seedy underbelly of online dating - a world in which women are forced, against their will, to... make an online profile and wait for emails.

Of course, when I hear the term 'Vietnamese Dating,' I think of two Vietnamese people going out for a night on the town. However, shocking as it may be, this website seems to be chock-full of creepy, old non-Vietnamese guys. Go figure. Take this guy for example...

...he seems nice enough; got a pretty sweet apartment; looks like he's got some granite counter tops in there and OH MY GOD HE'S NOT WEARING PANTS. I would feel badly about simply making fun of people on dating websites, but this guy asked for it. He looks like Willard Scott and the Oklahoma City bomber, Terry Nichols, had a baby (and then deprived that baby of pants for the rest of its natural life). Please, God, tell me that his camera has a timer - otherwise, try to wrap your mind around the concept that somebody actually took this picture ("Let's take the picture right here" - "Sounds good" - "What if I lean on the granite counter top?" - "I like it" - "Ok, pants on or off?" - "Hmmm... let's go with off for now and we'll see how it turns out").

And then there's this guy...


...who has apparently been kidnapped and tied up in his college graduation robe. His profile says he has a Bachelor's Degree in Economics, in case you were wondering.

This next pose is what I like to call "Frightened in a Photobooth," and the chicks absolutely love it...


...His self description reads "attentive, comprehensible, modest for friend, love." You might think his English is bad, but then he throws you that curveball of "comprehensible" which is both a big word AND it means that he is able to be comprehended. Also, I think the next time I get asked the question 'How would you describe yourself?', I'm going to respond 'Love.'

I should probably end this post now. The truth is that I could talk all day about the creepy P.E. teacher...


...the Saudi Arabian guy who used a picture of a picture inside a frame for his profile...


...or whatever this guy is supposed to be...


...but at some point, it loses its value, and I just feel like an asshole.

Anyways, you get the point - the website is weird, and now I'll never be able to look at Scrabulous the same way.

Man, with my first year of law school over, it sure does feel good to have this space in my brain to think about stupid shit like this!