Oh, Beethoven!

I'm going to utter a sentence I never thought I would utter in my entire life: Gee, I sure hope this is the last Beethoven movie.

Beethoven's Big Break. Trailer. @ Yahoo! Video

I saw the original "Beethoven" a long, long time ago, and yet when I watch this trailer, I'm pretty sure I recognize the exact same jokes being used in both movies.

My Guy Won!

Let me start by saying that I too am wearing a bracelet. It was given to me by a store clerk, and it’s made out of candy. It’s delicious.

First, flag pins on the lapels became a requirement, and now it’s bracelets. Who knew that Talbot’s would end up playing such an important role in presidential politics? I predict that full-knuckle rings saying “U.S.A.!” will be the next mandatory showing of patriotism the candidates must display.

I’m certainly not trying to make fun of those individuals who lost their children and gave these keepsakes to the presidential candidates. Rather, the bracelet moment from Friday night’s debate was a microcosm of something that pervaded the rest of the discussion. It’s one thing to make sure you have an adequate retort, but it’s another thing when that retort is basically a mirror-image of the initial comment – whether it’s Obama comparing bracelets with McCain, or McCain responding to Obama’s comments with phrases and slogans frequently used and made popular by the Obama campaign. This is one of the reasons why the only way to lose a debate nowadays is to really fuck something up.

Friday night’s debate was what I like to refer to as a “My Guy Won” debate, as in, unless you support a third party candidate, you could probably watch the debate and find a way to say, “My guy won!” It seemed to me that McCain’s strategy was to make Obama look naïve and inexperienced, while Obama’s strategy was to appear poised and confident (or “presidential,” if you prefer that dumb term). In that regard, I think we can agree that McCain’s bar was set a little higher, since making someone appear naïve and inexperienced is tough to do without a “knockout” moment and/or a big mistake by your opponent. Obama’s goal, while less ambitious, was something that was under his control and could be achieved fairly easily, unless McCain out-poised or out-confidence…ed him. But then again, McCain is down in the polls (obviously, not by a large margin, but still down), so he should be setting the bar higher for himself.

But while there was no signature moment in the debate, that doesn’t mean that there weren’t anecdotes that I could ridicule as I got drunk watching it. Here, in no particular order, are a couple of moments that stuck out to me:

McCain: We gotta cut government spending!... what was your question again?

Pretty much every one of John McCain’s answers to economic questions contained a reference to his plans to cut government spending. I realize that cutting spending is his big crusade, but considering the current economic situation, did anyone else find this move to be ironic? After all, here we are in the middle of an economic crisis that was caused by private actors who were basically free from government regulation, and the essential consensus to solve the problem is for the government to step in and spend a crapload of money.

My other problem with the “cutting spending” talking point is that it’s just a simple crowd-pleaser. I always laugh* when I see polls showing that a large majority of people say that the government should reduce spending. Well of course people want the government to spend less money – the answer lies in the wording of the question: asking if you think the government should cut spending implies that they have the ability to do so and simply lack the motivation. I’m sure the same majority of people in favor of cutting spending would be in favor of the government creating more jobs if you asked them. I’m not saying that I don’t want the next president to try to reduce government spending; I’m just saying that it’s clearly not the central solution to our economic problems.

Several of the analysts I saw after the debate talked about how John McCain did a really good job of “framing” the economic discussion by making it about cutting spending. Really? So, let me get this straight, he framed the debate just by repeating something over and over, regardless of whether it answered the question? That’s like saying “Dustin Hoffman really framed the movie Rain Man to be about The People’s Court because he kept talking about Judge Wapner.”

*I don’t actually laugh at polling data. That would be pretty pathetic.

Obama Sexy Talk

In a response to one of McCain’s fist-clenched lectures about government spending (and getting “those damn kids” off his lawn), Obama used the phrases “orgy of spending” and “hard to swallow.” Yeah, down-home folksy colloquialisms like those should play really well in Ohio – “Whelp, we have a sayin’ ‘round these parts: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t have an orgy with it!” Seriously though, you can’t.

Listen, Barack, we’re already a little worried about the prospect of you being able to nail everyone in Hollywood if you become president, so lets try to avoid the sexual innuendo as much as possible. Unless of course you were going after the coveted Deliverance vote, in which case, feel free to tell the moderator he/she has a “purty” mouth in the next debate.

The Lesson of the Iraq War

Jim Lehrer stated that we had learned many lessons from the Vietnam War, and he asked McCain what he thought the lessons of the Iraq War are. McCain stated, “The lesson of the Iraq War is to not have a failed policy.” Gee, too bad we had to learn that one the hard way, huh guys? And who says Americans don’t pay attention to history? I feel comfortable knowing that with John McCain as president, he will never institute a policy that we already know is failed. If one of his advisors encourages a failed policy, McCain will say “Nay, sir. I do not endorse your policy of failure.” He will strike that policy with his trusty pen, and you will know their name.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I realize that if McCain had been given time to prepare an answer to that question, he would most likely have listed the specific, boneheaded moves by the Bush Administration in the preparation and execution of the Iraq War. Still, both answers underscore his unwillingness to recognize that going into Iraq was a mistake.

Obama Cops Out

McCain was pressing Obama about his lack of visits to the Middle East at several points throughout the debate. At one point, Obama’s response was something along the lines of, “I’m very proud of my Vice Presidential selection of Senator Joe Biden who is the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee…” While most people would agree that Obama did indeed pick Biden to fill the gaps in his foreign policy resume, you never want to straight up admit that as a presidential candidate. Obama was sort of like, “Foreign policy? Yeah, that’s why I got Biden, remember? DONE.” That would be like John McCain saying of his pick, “I’m very proud of my Vice Presidential pick of Sarah Palin: She’s half my age, and I needed someone to show me how my Tivo works.”

McCain Compares General David Petraeus to Osama bin Laden!

Alright, I’ll admit that I’m just kidding about that headline, but in some bizarre wording, McCain stated, “The only thing General Petraeus and Osama bin Laden have in common is that they both think that Iraq is the central front in the War on Terror.” If you happened to turn on your TV at that precise moment, you would probably have thought, ‘Holy shit, did Barack Obama just say that General Petraeus is like Osama bin Laden?! That is FUCKED UP!’

I’ve heard the ‘bin Laden thinks Iraq is the Central Front’ defense of the War before, and it’s always interesting hearing it from certain people. If you suggest that we should wash our hands of the Middle East altogether, these are the same people that often say something like, “We shouldn’t take our marching orders from al Qaeda!” But apparently they have no problem taking strategic military recommendations from Osama bin Laden. Fair enough.

Obama Makes al Qaeda Sound Kind of Playful

See? I can make misleading headlines about both candidates. But I’m referring to the moment when Barack was talking about al Qaeda’s resurgence in power and influence. He stated, “al Qaeda is still out there, sending out videotapes.” Apparently, Senator Obama thinks that al Qaeda has become some sort of terrorist Netflix-type organization. But it makes al Qaeda seem like loveable losers because they’re stuck on VHS tapes, and they haven’t caught on to DVDs or Blu-ray yet.

I actually thought that Obama’s line was a clever way to convey his idea. However, I’m a petty man, and I take comfort in tearing people down.

Did You Know McCain is Old?

John McCain, like Barack Obama, has several fine lines to walk in this election, and the one that I find most amusing is that he has to cite his involvement in specific historic conflicts in order to emphasize his experience, but he has to do it in a way that doesn’t make you go, “Dude, that was, like, 60 years ago!” So, he ends up saying things like, “My friends, I’ve been involved in every national security conflict since the Lost Colony of Roanoke!,” and you’re left with a lukewarm feeling of assurance.

Conclusion

Those are pretty much all of my anecdotes from the debate. Like I said, I was drinking throughout it, so my comments eventually devolved into things like “McCain looks constipated,” which, while true, didn’t really lend itself to political commentary.

I was sober enough to see the ad that the McCain campaign quickly put out after the debate ended, mashing up the clips of Obama agreeing with McCain. I’m not surprised by the tactic, but I was surprised by the words that came across the screen: “Is Barack Obama Ready to Lead? No.” And I thought to myself, ‘Oh my God, John McCain has lost so much confidence that he’s criticizing Obama for agreeing with him! He’s going after the anti-McCain vote!’ I’ve got a new ad idea for the McCain campaign:

“Barack Obama and Joe Biden on John McCain: [cut to clips of Obama and Biden speaking of McCain’s sacrifices for the country]. We can’t afford to be led by two men who speak so highly of John McCain. That’s not the change we need…”

Anyways, in conclusion: My guy won!

Election Burn

I was thinking about writing an entry awhile ago about the horribly offensive remarks Sarah Palin made in her speech at the Republic National Convention. Of course, I’m referring to the moment when the Governor drew a direct comparison of an innocent demographic (hockey moms) to a vicious and often socially rejected animal (pit bulls). This was uncalled for, and I continue to join the millions of offended Americans who demand an apology from that fat pig, Sarah Palin.

But seeing as the media and the American people have the attention span of a fruit fly, that topic is already eons old. Besides, if I focus too much on stupid non-issues, I would miss the fact that John McCain recently let his granddaughter go on a date with the Charlie Gibson boy from school. But seriously, folks, it’s pretty sad when we’re excited that the Republican nominee for Vice President is simply doing an interview. The Republicans distrust of the media is reaching asinine levels, but that’s for another article.

I should say at this time that I support Barack Obama. I feel that my analysis shouldn’t be diminished by that fact, but in the interest of full disclosure, I felt that I should mention it. If you are someone who will write off my opinion on that basis alone, then I just wanted to save you the time of reading the rest of this article.

Now, I know it was only one interview, but Governor Palin has been in politics for a little while now, so it’s certainly not the first time she has sat in front of a camera and been asked questions. However, after watching the various segments of the interview (thanks, ABC, for breaking it up into parts – that really fucks up my Youtube viewing), I think a co-worker of mine put it best when he said, “Her answers reminded me of when I was in school and hadn’t done the reading, but the professor was calling on me. I would just try to run out the clock.”

Alright, for just one second, let’s forget about the potential that she could become President of the United States of America, and instead let’s just think about the basic role of the Vice President – can you seriously watch that interview and tell me that she will help President John McCain govern the country in any way? When Russia decides to invade another former member of the Soviet Union (keep your eyes peeled, Estonia), what sort of guidance does Sarah Palin give war hero and veteran politician John McCain? “John, I stood on the shores of Alaska and used the binoculars like you said, but I didn’t see anything.” I mean, shit, before the interview even began, it was well reported that she was receiving a crash course in foreign policy from people like Senator Joe Lieberman. Amazingly, this didn’t seem to faze anyone, even though receiving a crash course in foreign policy is proof positive that you need a crash course in foreign policy.

But one can make the argument that she doesn’t need to help John McCain in the realm of foreign policy, rather she will advise him on other issues. I reply with this question: like what? Forgetting foreign policy, arguably the bigger issue in this election is the economy. While it’s true that Governor Palin has had to deal with managing a state budget, John McCain has spent 25 years in Congress voting on the federal budget every year. Are her insights that much greater than his? Recently, Palin said in a speech that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae had gotten “too big and too expensive to the taxpayers.” I’m not trying to sound condescending, but Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were private companies that are just now being bailed out by the taxpayers. I ask again, what sort of guidance is she going to provide to President John McCain on these issues?

You might think that I’m talking about the E-word that has permeated every nook and cranny of this campaign. “Ebony”? No, but close. “Experience.” Over the past year and a half, the word has been tossed around more than I can even make a clever metaphor about it being tossed around a lot. And to all you cynics out there who say that Barack Obama doesn’t have the experience to be President, I have just one thing to say to you: You might be right. [Say whaaaaa? Didn’t he say he supports Obama? OH SHNAP!] But I would follow that up by saying that I’m not voting for him because of his experience; I’m voting for him because of his policy proposals and because of the poise and judgment I’ve seen him display throughout this seemingly never-ending campaign. The experience debate has become ingrained in the very fabric of this election so unfortunately it will be with us until election day, but I wish Obama supporters would stop trying to win this argument because (1) it’s unwinnable and (2) it’s a fruitless argument anyway.

You’re probably thinking, ‘Phil, you are very smart and very handsome [irrelevant, but thank you], so don’t you realize that you learn about someone’s judgment and poise through their experiences?’ Well, if that’s the case, then what do we really know about McCain’s experience? We know that he’s been in Congress for a long time, voted on a lot of items and sat on a lot of committees (and I don’t mean that flippantly, I’m just attempting to summarize). Unless you followed him around all those years, you don’t really know what his experience says about his judgment and poise. Experience is such a nebulous concept. When a true crisis hits, there’s never a precedent or a protocol for it – that’s what makes it a crisis. A president doesn’t go, “Hmm, when I was a Massachusetts Senator, what were the decisions I made the last time the Soviet Union put nuclear missiles on Cuba?” or “Hey, Karl, remember when I was Governor of Texas and we were throwing around proposals for what to do if terrorists started flying commercial jets into buildings?” And now, the idea of experience in this election has been blurred even more by Sarah Palin’s entrance and the notion that she has the right type of experience while Barack has the wrong type of experience. She’s been a governor, you say? Well, that’s a huge load off. On the presidential totem pole, that lands her somewhere between Thomas Jefferson and Rutherford B. Hayes. I wonder how she feels about the Desert Land Act of 1877…

But it doesn’t matter how Governor Palin appeared to me in her first (only?) vice presidential interview – the spin inevitably goes on. Charles Krauthammer, who has a face like a weasel’s vagina (ok, maybe that one showed a little bias), wrote an article for the Washington Post entitled “Charlie Gibson’s Gaffe,” in which he stated that Gibson didn’t stump Palin when she seemed unsure about the definition of “the Bush Doctrine.” Thank you, Charles Krauthammer, for finally getting to the heart of this presidential race: Charlie Gibson’s knowledge of foreign policy. Krauthammer reasoned that it was an unfair question because there are multiple definitions of the Bush Doctrine, and Governor Palin didn’t know which one to choose – they’re like Pokemon; you gotta catch ‘em all! Never mind, of course, that anticipatory self-defense was a hugely significant policy shift established by President Bush, or that Charlie Gibson actually clarified for Palin, “the Bush Doctrine, enunciated in September 2002 before the Iraq War.”

Similarly defensive was Martin Sieff (who? exactly), who wrote an article entitled “ABC’s Gibson Grilled Palin Hard, But It May Backfire,” which was apparently important enough to be linked on Drudge Report. Sieff described Gibson as “out for blood” and “out to embarrass Palin,” which sounds kind of like a… oh shit, what’s the phrase?... oh that’s right – kind of like a respectable journalist would question someone who has a good chance of becoming the second most important person in the country. Sieff also stated, “Gibson tried to embarrass Palin by referring to her Christian faith in asking people to pray for U.S. soldiers in Iraq. Palin countered by pointing out she was following the precedent set by Abraham Lincoln.” Now, if you watched the interview, regardless of your political leanings, I hope you can acknowledge that this statement is almost proudly ignorant of what actually happened. Gibson was questioning Palin about her quotation that the soldiers in Iraq were being sent “on a task from God.” At first, the Governor said that she wasn’t sure if those were her exact words (come on, Sarah, you know that Youtube exists, right?), and then she proceeded to say that she was paraphrasing Abraham Lincoln when he suggested that we never truly know God’s plan. This was a curious answer because, first of all, it is the exact opposite of her quotation, which says definitively that the mission of our soldiers comes from God. Secondly, while I’m not a historian, I was curious to figure out which Lincoln speech she was recalling. A quick Google search suggests that it might have been Lincoln’s second inaugural address, in which he does talk about God having his own plan that is unknown to mortal man. However, it’s ironic, when compared to the context of Sarah Palin’s invocation of God, that Lincoln also states that in war both sides seek the assistance of God, but “[t]hat the prayers of both could not be answered” and “[t]hat neither has been answered fully.” But I digress.

My point is that Barack Obama’s vice presidential pick demonstrated to me that he has the judgment of a conservative pragmatist whose decision, while certainly not without fault, was a compromise between candidates who might help him win and candidates who might help him lead. John McCain’s vice presidential pick demonstrated to me that he has the judgment of a man who wants to be the president.

Foux du Fafa

Phil here, back again; check it to wreck it, let’s begin:

Here are my gracious hosts in Paris, Christina and Emmanuel. They’re really good people:

And here is their (I think 14-month-old) baby, Owen:


Christina helped me map out my plan of attack to see all the sights of Paris:

Also, this was where I was staying:



A family that is friends and neighbors with Christina and Emmanuel was on vacation and said that I could stay in their apartment. I had my very own flat in Montrouge. How ridiculous is that? The irony of course is that with such a generous offer, I would never do anything like invite people over, out of fear that I would screw up their place.

Before we get into the pictures of Paris, let me first apologize for the fact that these might end up being the same god-damned pictures of Paris that you have to suffer through every time a friend of yours goes there. I would like to think that my unique brand of witty commentary makes it somewhat better.

This warning sticker is on a majority of Paris’ trains:

If you can’t tell, the image is a thing with a human body and a bunny head getting his hand stuck in the door. I don’t take my safety advice from mutants.

First stop – Trocadero (at least, that’s the name of the metro stop). This is a pretty cool view to have as soon as you step off the metro:

Apparently, what used to be the Palais du Trocadero on this site is now the Palais de Chaillot. Anyways, the architecture is pretty sweet, I think:




This statue is called “Hey Guys, I’m Bringing Back the Side Ponytail; What Do You Think?” The French have a word for it:

This was one of the best views I’ve ever seen in my life, and it got me pumped to do some sightseeing:

Ol’ Iron Sides:

When you stand at the base, it really makes you wonder, ‘What was the point of this thing again?’

Here’s the line to take the tour of the Eiffel Tower:

There’s a reason you can’t see the end of the line. Screw that.

This kind of reminded me of the Sunken Gardens at William & Mary, only much French-er:

Looks like a great place to bang out a crunchy groove with your drum circle, if you ask me.

These small horses and donkeys appeared to be having some sort of conference:

Seriously, I’m not sure what was going on here because there wasn’t anyone nearby that appeared to be orchestrating rides on the animals.

Some sort of monument (the thing in the foreground, not the Eiffel Tower, just to clarify):

This is École Militaire, a French military school (or should I say, a "Freedom" military school, am I right?):

Seems like an awfully ornate building just to teach people how to say “I surrender” in different languages. BAM, NAILED ‘EM! I’m the one-millionth person to make a French surrender joke! Thanks, folks, I’ll be here all week.

This is Les Invalides. It’s a bunch of things – military museum, church, former hospital, and the burial place of many French war heroes, including Napoleon:


Just to let you know for the rest of the pictures; I’m not going to put a caption if all I know about a particular item is exactly what you can see for yourself. For example, “Here’s a statue of a guy holding his own head:”


This is where I would go in to see Napoleon’s tomb… if I had bought a ticket:

But you can actually see a surprising amount of stuff just walking around without buying a ticket:



Captain Short Stack himself:

This was a church at Les Invalides:

You gotta hand it to the French – Diddy’s got nothing on them when it comes to extravagance:

Here’s Jesus frozen in carbonite:

Looking out of the northern exit of Les Invalides:

Apparently, I wasn’t done taking pictures of Les Invalides:

Your run-of-the-mill Arc de Triomphe shot:

Storming the Arc:


I’m guessing this is the Flame de Triomphe:

No elevator in the Arc de Triomphe. More like the Arc de FAIL, if you ask me:

Looking east along the Champs-Élysées, toward the Louvre:


Looking west along the Champs-Élysées:

Apparently, there is a law in Paris that buildings can’t be taller than a certain height (I think it’s the Eiffel Tower). So, that “downtown” area in the distance is actually outside the city limits, and there isn’t anything to do there – it’s just businesses. I just cracked an egg of knowledge on you all.


Here’s some stuff:


Les Invalides rears its golden head again:

Ok, at this point in my sightseeing experience I had a run-in with the French secret service. Emmanuel had pointed out where President Nicholas Sarkozy’s house was on the map, but it’s not actually demarcated when you’re there. So, I figured out which one it was and took a picture of the side of it. A guy in uniform came up to me and made me delete the picture from my camera. He wasn’t rude about it or anything, and in a way I can’t blame him for being suspicious: here’s a thickly bearded guy who bears a striking resemblance to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad taking a picture of the side of a building that happens to be the home of the president of France. Anyways, President Sarkozy’s Chamber of Secrets is partially behind the trees on the left in this picture:

Here are some pictures of the Obelisk and the surrounding area. The bleachers that you see were being set up for the finale of the Tour de France:




You can really see how American architecture influenced the French:

Wait, America is older than France, right?

I entitled this piece of art “The Rusty Vagina”:

Yeah, I’m a classy guy.

But this couldn’t have been an accident:

The Louvre in the distance:




Here’s the Mona Lisa:

There wasn’t that big of a crowd around it. I really think they should get some more security to protect that thing.

Alright alright, so I didn’t go into the Louvre. Shit, I gotta leave some stuff to do when I go back, right?

Here are some random pictures as I walked along the Seine. My legs were definitely struggling at this point:



This is the Hôtel de Ville:


It’s actually City Hall. The Hôtel de Ville is neither a hotel, nor a… de Ville. Discuss.

In front of City Hall, there was a miniature golf thing:

Apparently, it’s part of a beach-themed celebration in Paris. They also put sand and beach umbrellas on the road that runs along the Seine. Unfortunately, since I was made aware of this celebration, I’m unable to show this picture and go “How random is this bull shit?!” and take the French down a peg or two.

To my fellow law school nerds, here’s a fancy Parisian courthouse!

It’s called the Palais de Justice (a modest title), and it holds a number of courts.

I took a ton of Notre Dame pictures. It’s hard not to when you see it:











Listen up, Catholics – for only 2 euros, you can light your very own Jesus tea candle!

But what’s 3 more euros? For a mere 5 euros, you can light a Jesus jar candle! Be better than the tea candle people! We all know Jesus prefers fire safety, anyway:

Actually, I shouldn’t be a douche – for all I know the money goes to charity. It’s just so fun to ridicule organized religion.

Apparently, Notre Dame has a Crime Scene Investigation unit:

Here are the gargoyles that were inspired by the box office success of Disney’s “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”:






This bell apparently required 16 people to operate back in the day. Kind of ridiculous:

And so this was my last view of Paris – from the very top of the South tower of Notre Dame, looking down the Seine:

I really enjoyed Paris a lot more than I thought I would. The weekend started with a couple of ‘dumb American’ moments. Namely, when leaving the airport I got on the correct train, but bought the wrong ticket. Additionally, the train doors don’t open automatically, so when I reached my stop I was just standing in front of a closed door like a moron until an understandably frustrated gentleman pushed past me to open the door. However, by the end of the weekend I felt that I had done the best job I could immersing myself: I gave up my seat on the metro for two lovely ladies, AND I ate a chocolate crepe as I walked along the Champs-Élysées – it don’t get much more French than that, do it?